I've been praying my butt off and made some decisions....some decisions that will hopefully open the doors (like God has opened my heart) to a wonderful couple in need of a surrogate. I feel like a weight is lifted.
Hopefully my next post will be forward progress. And hopefully it will be soon (although I have this funny feeling it's all unfolding just as God has planned)
He is pruning me for sure ;)
Special shout out to my hubby- (not that he reads this) but I am so thankful for a man like him that stands by my side and supports me, all while letting me be me. He knows I over analyze the crap out of everything and in the end he trusts my decisions. Love you babe!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Trying to pass the time
No big news on my end.... Just trusting that God is lining everything up for this future perfect match. In the meantime I am enjoying bonding with other surrogates and learning of their stories. Waiting sure is hard! This has already taught me so much. Just because I'm ready to do this doesn't mean it will happen when I want. I've learned that I can't control everything- in fact quite the opposite.
I've had the honor and blessing of meeting up with a local surrogate. She has really helped me (along with a few other surros from the agency)to realize that this is not just a journey for the parents but myself as well. I can be as picky as I want :) I know that although right now waiting sucks, it will be that much sweeter when the time does come. I'm surprisingly calm these days. Please pray that God doesn't make me wait too much longer;)
I've had the honor and blessing of meeting up with a local surrogate. She has really helped me (along with a few other surros from the agency)to realize that this is not just a journey for the parents but myself as well. I can be as picky as I want :) I know that although right now waiting sucks, it will be that much sweeter when the time does come. I'm surprisingly calm these days. Please pray that God doesn't make me wait too much longer;)
Friday, June 15, 2012
I would do anything for love...But I wont do that
Well I got the phone call that I've been waiting for! Modern Family called and said that they have a potential match for me. So after a lot of phone calls with my midwives, I FINALLY got a clearnace for pregnancy faxed over to the IP's (intended parents) IVF doctor.
Then I had a 3 way phone call with the IP's and our agency. I was SOOO freakin nervous!
All was going well until......the very end.
Basically there was one issue that we both felt opposingly strong on.
So, no match.
I know that me being in Ohio is a big factor that any parents have to consider.
First of all I'm a lot further from the agency. Secondly it will cost the IP's more if they choose me because they will have to pay for me to fly to California twice. Ohio's insurance is different than California's in that you add on a maternity rider and have a 9 month waiting period before the maternity coverage will kick in. So Ip's would have to wait roughly 6 months before transferring. Yet another thing that is going to make it harder to match me is my profile (what I am and am not willing to do.) Specifically in the chance that if 2 embryo's are transferred, there is a 1% chance that one can split into identical twins- creating triplets. Most IP's are going to want to selevtively reduce down to twins. I am not willing to do that. I am not saying that I don't completely understand their point of view. The fact of 3 babies is not what scares them, its the NICU stays, the oxygen tanks, the premature deliveries and the potentially never-ending issues that come along with that.
I get it. I DO. Its too much of a risk for IP's to take and not walk away with a baby.
But in my eyes, a solution would be to only transfer 1 embryo. I do feel that if someone wants me bad enough they will be willing to do just that. From what I took out of my phone conversation with the agency afterwards is that its going to be very hard if at all, to match me.
Part of me says 'oh shit am I being too picky? am I not being open-minded enough?'
Another part of me says 'well if they can't match me because im in Ohio then maybe I should check out some agencies closer?' I REALLY don't want to do that! It would mean starting over- with everything.
I really want this! I really want to help! I thought I was a good candidate but evidently I'm not so desirable.
So now.......I feel like shit
I'm ok with not being matched with this couple. I mean if it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. Plus I was so afraid that I was going to force myself to like them just because I am ready to get started. Thankfully that was not the case.
I'm trying to be positive and remind myself that God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. Who am I to rush or question Him?
I am going to work on staying confident that this is way bigger than me. Bigger than the dreams of the parents I will be working with.
At the same time I have said from the very begining that I am merely a vessel. This is GOD's ballgame and I'm just a player. I am willing to go wherever HE leads me.
Feeling unsure of where to go from here.
Then I had a 3 way phone call with the IP's and our agency. I was SOOO freakin nervous!
All was going well until......the very end.
Basically there was one issue that we both felt opposingly strong on.
So, no match.
I know that me being in Ohio is a big factor that any parents have to consider.
First of all I'm a lot further from the agency. Secondly it will cost the IP's more if they choose me because they will have to pay for me to fly to California twice. Ohio's insurance is different than California's in that you add on a maternity rider and have a 9 month waiting period before the maternity coverage will kick in. So Ip's would have to wait roughly 6 months before transferring. Yet another thing that is going to make it harder to match me is my profile (what I am and am not willing to do.) Specifically in the chance that if 2 embryo's are transferred, there is a 1% chance that one can split into identical twins- creating triplets. Most IP's are going to want to selevtively reduce down to twins. I am not willing to do that. I am not saying that I don't completely understand their point of view. The fact of 3 babies is not what scares them, its the NICU stays, the oxygen tanks, the premature deliveries and the potentially never-ending issues that come along with that.
I get it. I DO. Its too much of a risk for IP's to take and not walk away with a baby.
But in my eyes, a solution would be to only transfer 1 embryo. I do feel that if someone wants me bad enough they will be willing to do just that. From what I took out of my phone conversation with the agency afterwards is that its going to be very hard if at all, to match me.
Part of me says 'oh shit am I being too picky? am I not being open-minded enough?'
Another part of me says 'well if they can't match me because im in Ohio then maybe I should check out some agencies closer?' I REALLY don't want to do that! It would mean starting over- with everything.
I really want this! I really want to help! I thought I was a good candidate but evidently I'm not so desirable.
So now.......I feel like shit
I'm ok with not being matched with this couple. I mean if it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. Plus I was so afraid that I was going to force myself to like them just because I am ready to get started. Thankfully that was not the case.
I'm trying to be positive and remind myself that God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. Who am I to rush or question Him?
I am going to work on staying confident that this is way bigger than me. Bigger than the dreams of the parents I will be working with.
At the same time I have said from the very begining that I am merely a vessel. This is GOD's ballgame and I'm just a player. I am willing to go wherever HE leads me.
Feeling unsure of where to go from here.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Update but not really
Well it has been around a month since I started with the paperwork and had my profile made. I got an email just as I was starting to get worried. They are still looking for a match for me and said the distance thing is only slightly slowing things down but they are confident that I will make a great surrogate.
Whew!
I can't help but have this "pick me" attitude about it. Don't get me wrong I am very patient but excited for this to all begin but I know and expect it to take time. We're only 1 month into the 1-3 month wait and I know me living in Ohio will probably have it going longer than 3 months to match which is ok with me. I mean they ARE picking someone to carry their child! I am only a little sad feeling like I'm not getting picked for kickball or something. Is it me? Who Would want me to carry their child? This is what my brain does when left to think.
Staying positive, enjoying chatting with other surrogates, and loving on my boys is what I'm doing now. I have experienced some negativity but that's to be expected. They can kiss my ...... Uterus ;)
So thankful that I get to fulfill one of MY dreams. I can't wait for what's ahead.
Whew!
I can't help but have this "pick me" attitude about it. Don't get me wrong I am very patient but excited for this to all begin but I know and expect it to take time. We're only 1 month into the 1-3 month wait and I know me living in Ohio will probably have it going longer than 3 months to match which is ok with me. I mean they ARE picking someone to carry their child! I am only a little sad feeling like I'm not getting picked for kickball or something. Is it me? Who Would want me to carry their child? This is what my brain does when left to think.
Staying positive, enjoying chatting with other surrogates, and loving on my boys is what I'm doing now. I have experienced some negativity but that's to be expected. They can kiss my ...... Uterus ;)
So thankful that I get to fulfill one of MY dreams. I can't wait for what's ahead.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Its a gut feeling
Here I am lying in bed with my second little blessing Finley. It's quiet moments like this that I realize I live like a queen. Not only for the things and people in my life but also for the many opportunities that are right in front of me everyday. The following is a text message to my husband, best friend and rock - Eric. I thought it would be good to share as it might help some people understand better why I am so passionate not only for surrogacy but also for babies in general. I'm getting ready to start school again and I'm all fueled up for the day I become a midwife.
I'll always remember the moment when we were trying to get pregnant with maveric and hurting when it kept not happening. We were sitting on the floor and couch in our old living room in the dark and just talking when I realized its not up to us it's not something we can or can't do. I gave it to God that very minute and from then on have turned first to Him with everything else. What do ya know that was the month we got pregnant. I think all He was waiting for was for us to surrender. That's why I'm so confident in my surrogacy decision because I know that science can do all it wants but when it comes down to it, only God can give life. I really feel God is using me for this baby and He already know exactly which couple I will be matched with and already knows the exact baby he will bring to them. I can feel that God is in control over this and it's so powerful. It's almost tangible. Makes me get butterflies and like I can feel something huge is about to happen. Like adrenaline before a big game. Thanks for supporting me and letting me be me
I'll always remember the moment when we were trying to get pregnant with maveric and hurting when it kept not happening. We were sitting on the floor and couch in our old living room in the dark and just talking when I realized its not up to us it's not something we can or can't do. I gave it to God that very minute and from then on have turned first to Him with everything else. What do ya know that was the month we got pregnant. I think all He was waiting for was for us to surrender. That's why I'm so confident in my surrogacy decision because I know that science can do all it wants but when it comes down to it, only God can give life. I really feel God is using me for this baby and He already know exactly which couple I will be matched with and already knows the exact baby he will bring to them. I can feel that God is in control over this and it's so powerful. It's almost tangible. Makes me get butterflies and like I can feel something huge is about to happen. Like adrenaline before a big game. Thanks for supporting me and letting me be me
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Basic breakdown
A basic overview of how I got to this point..... When people ask how I found the surrogacy company I really thought about that question and realized I didn't. Rather they found me. I had googled something about surrogacy and a bunch of companies popped up. All of their websites seemed cold or made me feel very much like a number. Some even showed the surrogate profiles to the public which turned me off. So then I checked Facebook to see if their were any companies that I could 'like' and start to follow and learn more. That's when I found them -modern family surrogacy. From the very first email I felt important to them. They took the time to talk with me and gave me the process details. Our first phone call was over an hour long. I didn't realize until after I hose to go with them that I hadn't really looked into any other companies so I got to googlin' - my favorite past time ha! I tend to over analyze and over research everything. After digging deeper into some other Surrogacy teams I very quickly learned how perfect modern family is for me. And even though they were the first company I looked at, they are the best! So a short overview of how his will play out goes as follows: turn in all paperwork which includes application , copy of ID, copy of pay check stubs, OB records and insurance booklet and photos of myself and family All was well until I found out my insurance does not cover infertility or surrogacy. I'll come back to that later. Now they can put together a profile of me and will work on matching me based on a multitude of things. Would I be willing to carry for a gay couple, single man, single woman, single gay person? How many embryos am I will to let be transferred? Am I willing to reduce in the case of multiples? Am I willing to terminate if medically needed? What kind of relationship do I want with the parents before during and after? Am I willing to undergo invasive procedures such as amniocentesis? Once they think they have a match, I will look at the parents profile and then get to talk or meet them depending on where they live. If both sides click and want to work together, we will be considered matched. I'm so excited for that part because I can feel it in my bones that God is about to bring some very awesome people I to our lives!! Once matched which can take 1-3 months, the medical exam, psychological exam and contracts portion will take another 1-3 months. Time out: back to the insurance part : once I am matched I will have to sign up for anthem insurance and get on the maternity rider and since Ohio is dumb, I'll have to wait 6 months before. Overage will start. However, I will not be under my OBs care until around 10 weeks prego so that buys us some time. I will have to fly out to San Diego LA area for he medical screen to make sure all is in working order. Once all of the contract stuff is done and reviewed, I will start injections. Not sure exactly which ones but I do know there are 3. One easy, one medium and one big ouchie. Thankfully needles don't scare me- it's the stabbing myself part I don't like. I've gotten myself at work a couple times and it's no fun. Shots will start from my period until around 10 weeks pregnant. Hopefully it takes the first try ! And yes I really wanna carry twins :) but thats up to the parents. Back up a smidge~ when it's time for the transfer I will fly back out to Cali and have the wittle beebee's nestled in. Bed rest for a day or 2 then come home. Blood work 10? Days after that to see if I'm knocked up. Lots of labs after that too. The delivery part is still in the air because it really is up to the parent based on Cali and Ohio laws. There is no doubt it is a long process and for those that think it's a 9 month thing with no problems, ha! I am in this for the long haul and know that God has me doing just as he planned. You see we have this AMAZING relationship. He just gets me. And I need Him. Sometimes he has to be pretty loud for me to hear lol. Have you ever been so sure of something that you're not even scared? That's where I am. Dang this is long and it's time for me to get these boys up outta bed. Pray for the perfect people to be sent my way :)
Friday, May 4, 2012
When God speaks it can be overwhelming
I am starting a new and awesome journey of surrogacy. Although still in the very early stages I thought it would be nice to journal all my thoughts, fears, hopes, and happiness. Many friends of mine are very interested in this whole process so why not make it public?! Maybe it will encourage someone else to become a surrogate too :)I'm sure some of it will be too much information but I'm going to write as if it wasn't public so you'll just have to hang in there with me. Surrogacy is something I've always had in my heart to do and recently decided (after lots of talks with the hubs and prayers) theres no time like the present. I'm not gonna be using my uterus for a while so why shouldn't someone else? If along the way there are any questions, don't be shy! Side note - don't judge my grammar or spelling mmmk thanks. Right now im waiting for a match. I have no doubt that God will bring the perfect couple to me. In His time Waiting can be very hard for me as I am kind of impatient lol (those that know me know that the "kind of" part is a little off) but I know this is going to be a time when God teaches me a lot about myself and prunes me to his liking. There are plenty of things I'd like to work on myself and patience is definitely at the top of the list. I am working with an AMAZING surrogacy team over in California. I haven't even met these women in person but already feel so close with them. I'll call them my surrogate sisters. A lot of people might think I'm nuts for doing this now considering I just had a baby 5 months ago and also have a 2 1/2 year old, work full time and go to school. Did I mention I have to be a wife somewhere along the way. Let's just say there's always laundry to be done. I like the busyness. As for todays title, a good friend of mine said this to me at the perfect time and gave me an a-ha moment. It was exactly what i needed to hear at that time. Because of her I feel strapped with armor ready to face it all- and I know there will be lots! Well anyways I'm tired for tonight. Until next time... Hopefully it won't be too long from now
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