Friday, June 15, 2012

I would do anything for love...But I wont do that

Well I got the phone call that I've been waiting for! Modern Family called and said that they have a potential match for me. So after a lot of phone calls with my midwives, I FINALLY got a clearnace for pregnancy faxed over to the IP's (intended parents) IVF doctor. 
Then I had a 3 way phone call with the IP's and our agency. I was SOOO freakin nervous!
All was going well until......the very end.
Basically there was one issue that we both felt opposingly strong on.
So, no match.
I know that me being in Ohio is a big factor that any parents have to consider.
First of all I'm a lot further from the agency. Secondly it will cost the IP's more if they choose me because they will have to pay for me to fly to California twice. Ohio's insurance is different than California's in that you add on a maternity rider and have a 9 month waiting period before the maternity coverage will kick in. So Ip's would have to wait roughly 6 months before transferring. Yet another thing that is going to make it harder to match me is my profile (what I am and am not willing to do.) Specifically in the chance that if 2 embryo's are transferred, there is a 1% chance that one can split into identical twins- creating triplets. Most IP's are going to want to selevtively reduce down to twins. I am not willing to do that. I am not saying that I don't completely understand their point of view. The fact of 3 babies is not what scares them, its the NICU stays, the oxygen tanks, the premature deliveries and the potentially never-ending issues that come along with that.
 I get it. I DO. Its too much of a risk for IP's to take and not walk away with a baby.
But in my eyes, a solution would be to only transfer 1 embryo. I do feel that if someone wants me bad enough they will be willing to do just that. From what I took out of my phone conversation with the agency afterwards is that its going to be very hard if at all, to match me.
Part of me says 'oh shit am I being too picky? am I not being open-minded enough?'
Another part of me says 'well if they can't match me because im in Ohio then maybe I should check out some agencies closer?' I REALLY don't want to do that! It would mean starting over- with everything.
I really want this! I really want to help! I thought I was a good candidate but evidently I'm not so desirable.
So now.......I feel like shit
I'm ok with not being matched with this couple. I mean if it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. Plus I was so afraid that I was going to force myself to like them just because I am ready to get started. Thankfully that was not the case.
I'm trying to be positive and remind myself that God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. Who am I to rush or question Him?
I am going to work on staying confident that this is way bigger than me. Bigger than the dreams of the parents I will be working with.

At the same time I have said from the very begining that I am merely a vessel. This is GOD's ballgame and I'm just a player. I am willing to go wherever HE leads me.
Feeling unsure of where to go from here.